dream: the poker game

Excitement runs high in the small, crowded room, where the poker game is going way better than we hoped it would. We all sit or sprawl on the carpet: there doesn't seem to be any furniture in this place. Just people, about 20 of us, all good friends and fellow communitarians. The dim lights and the warmth add to the sense of comraderie. There are quite a few players in this game, and some of them - all those we're competing against - don't seem to be here in the room. Apparently we're playing on teams, and also remotely - perhaps by telepathy. There aren't any communication devices in sight, but we're in contact with all the others. We can hear their voices, although we can't see them.

We started the game off slow. Played it safe. Small, careful bets. Then all of us, collectively, started tuning in to our luck and our intuition. There's a flow here, and we joined it, and we can all dig it, and it's beautiful. Now we're making bigger, crazier wagers on every hand, and they're paying off. Every time. There are shouts, exclamations, voices cheering each other on, as the elation builds. Then it's the final round, and yes! we won the whole pot! All of us, together. Lot of way-to-go's and back-slapping and laughter. It's a small fortune we have between us. More than anybody's seen in a long time. Everybody's talking at once about what they're gonna to do with their share. One guy's paying off his debts. Next to me, three people talk about pooling their money, and buying two shops that are for sale in our neighborhood - get involved in the creative local economy. They sound so happy about the job security and the sense of participation this will bring them. I've been real cheerful about my own wins, until I hear these guys. Then I realize we're not having quite the same conversation. Though it was a cooperative effort, and we all played the same game, made the same bets, and shared the same success, somehow it worked out different for me. My big win is $40. I decide not to tell anybody this, and go on smiling and congratulating as the others make their plans. But I make some general comment about the outcome to one friend, watching surprised as he pockets a thick stack of cash (I thought he was among the ones I know who aspire to a life of voluntary poverty). He replies, smiling, "Yeah, poker can be pretty lucrative..."

I don't think this is about money. Sure, there are feelings there I could look at. How my life compares with others. How the choices that I've made with money have played out, or not. But I think the theme here is something more elemental. Like maybe opportunity. Or energy. "You've been living small-time, you should play for higher stakes"? "Pool your resources more with others, even if they're insignificant?" I don't know. It's not like I was cheated or anything. My bets were as risky as anybody's, but there was some reason the winnings worked out like they did. But the sadness is the feeling I wake with: we had so been all in this together, and suddenly, it seems, we're not...