Life gives

Whose life is this? It's one crazy waking dream. But if it's mine, I want to keep it...I think....

This time last night Life and I were not on the best of terms. Those cold currents of experience it can bring in its flow. Undertows, at times. What seemed like a simple check-in with one of my housemates (who I see about once a week) suddenly expanded into an astonishing list of failures and offenses I had committed against her, both inadvertent and intentional. Half of which were not events I recognized or even remembered. The rapid escalation of hurt, and the seeming one-sidedness of the perspective, was like too many relationships out of my past, and too many memories crowded into the moment, totally uninvited. My mother, for 7 years of tragedy, blame, and drama. The ex who wouldn't give up, and was never wrong. The best friend of 10 years who turned on me, with a similar list of unforgivables. The other ex, who broke up with me by email with no warning, no explanation, and no room to talk about it anymore. After 20 minutes of this shock from my housemate, attempting various responses while trying to hold off the inner demons, I left the house barely holding it together. Forcing out the few clear words of explanation I could find, that may or may not have made any sense.

This probably sounds like victim talk. God, I hope not. Of course, all these people in my life had their perspectives. Their reasons. Their deep roots, and the earth they were growing in. Of course, I had a part, because I'm far from perfection myself. Of course, we can't ever truly know another's pain. But what hurts, and the reason the hurt is deep and slow to heal, is that in all but the final case, of the past situations, I put heart and soul and guts and sweat and tears into trying to work it out. And it wasn't enough. Sometimes, we just can't know another's pain. Sometimes, we don't get to know anything at all. But I wish to God I could know why I keep getting so closely connected with people who repress, who store up such intense hurt, and then unleash it, in this way. There's gotta be something I'm supposed to learn from this.

But after way too many years, I am finally finding it possible, if not to do perfect communication under pressure, at least to ask for a few things that I need. When the weight of that pressure gets too heavy to carry alone. This has literally taken all of my life, so far, to learn. But last night, and today, I remembered, just a little bit. I held up my hands and said, to Life and to a few good friends: Can I have a kind listening ear, and a safe space for a couple hours? Can I have a few minutes of your thoughtful feedback, over the longdistance phone? Can I have another of those hugs that lifts my spirits so well? And, in every case, Life - and the friends - said, Yes, you can.

And English class, this morning, was a beautiful, peaceful, workable space in the chaos. We were three, for the first time today. Both women are motivated, curious, open, fun. Ready to go. Lots of questions, lots of initiative, lots of tangential discussion of the oddities of spelling and grammar (try owning all of your language's irregular verbs sometime, if you want to ease into engagement with the collective weight and obstruction of the human condition).

I hope I make it worth their while, these 2 hours a week. They're sure gonna make it worth mine. And keep me on my toes, too. L., the new student, smiled at me using scraps of paper to write spelling examples on, and volunteered to bring her kid's little chalkboard to the next class.

Go with the flow. The flow was something to be trusted again, by today. Let the conversations build, and rebuild the moments. Let the students create the class, too, with their questions and needs and interests. I knew that flexibility is what would make tutoring work, but didn't really feel it happening until today. We were talking so much, covering so much new ground, that we didn't get to most of the activities I had planned. Have to save health vocabulary, phoning the doctor, and Body Parts Bingo til next week.