tired

I am tired
of always being tired
of the deja vu way that days flow into each other
of living alone, even though I have 3 housemates
of the exact correlation of income and expenses
(and how the second seems to adjust so well, to fit any increase in the first)
of hearing of other people's travel/vacation plans at the next table over
of trying to figure out how other people take vacations in the first place
(without quitting their jobs, my usual solution)
of my own self-pity (definitely)
of not knowing what to replace self-pity with (it takes energy, for one!)
of the scarcity of real communication (a welcome balance for the self-pity)
of my inability to engage with real communication, when it does come along
(see self-perpetuating cycle, above)
of all the righteous save-the-world conversations of social/political bent
of my apathy, inability, and exasperation toward such conversations
of the disproportion of conversation to action (mine, and others' both)
of all the people who just don't LISTEN
of the energy required just to stay ahead of the pain my early life gave me
of trying to let the farsighted vision of the desert compensate for the sight/smell/sound of water